Stay Tuned

I have to admit that I'm just a little bit disconnected from the non-magickal world. Nearly all my friends are Pagan and the ones that aren't actually are but haven't realized it yet. My family isn't Pagan, but they're Hispanic Roman Catholics so that's close enough, and they're very accepting of what they generally refer to as my bohemian eccentricities (this from people that think only sailors and prostitutes have tattoos). My life is very Pagan. It's not something that I do; it's who and what I am. So when confronted with "the real world, " I find myself at a loss from time to time.

Recently, I was seeing a man who is wholly not Pagan. Let's call him Nic. I thought the most difficult aspect of carrying on a relationship with someone of a different religion would be, well, the difference of opinion on what is deity, how to relate to deity, and how that plays out in our lives. You know, those little details about the nature of humankind, why we're here, why we suffer, what happens when we die, and so forth. It turned out that Nic is not particularly religious and although he has thoughts on all these points, none of it was a problem at the early stages of this relationship. We didn't last long enough to discover whether they would become problematic in time. Surprisingly, what did become an issue for us was my heightened sense of awareness and his lack thereof.

I don't think of myself as a particularly intuitive or empathetic person. I realize now that it's because I'm surrounded by intuitive and empathetic people. Next to Nic, however, I was like Tangina Barrons's personal assistant. There were many reasons Nic and I were attracted to each other, but one reason he became interested in me was my ability to tune into him. I could read him like an open book and, while that was fascinating to him and made him feel like we were connecting deeply, it also became increasingly uncomfortable as he felt more exposed and vulnerable so early into the relationship. This was tension for him.

Tension for me came in the form of Nic's inability to work through his issues. As a Pagan and a devotee of Kali, I'm all about working through my issues and the constancy of change and transformation. Nearly every ritual and spell I perform, if not for devotional purposes, is for self-improvement of some kind. Most Pagans I know are almost always working with their shadows. I don't want to paint cowans with a broad brush; I'm aware the self-help industry is booming, but there's generally a huge difference in perspective between Pagans and cowans about responsibility and where the power for transformation can come from.

Life has dealt Nic some blows, as it has all of us, but he is resigned to accept these and make them part of his identity. I prefer to work with them, releasing those that don't serve me, transforming others. I know I can't get rid of all my socialization and conditioning. I can't heal every single wound or erase the scars. I can't change my genetic makeup, astrological disposition, or past life carry over. But ultimately I am a conscious individual responsible for myself and what I bring to relationships and, quite frankly, too much baggage just weighs me down.

Nic and I are trying to be friends now, but even a platonic relationship is proving to be challenging. We almost speak different languages. It's bizarre having a non-Pagan friend.